johnlantern

I while ago I stopped by the gas station on my way home from work, and grabbed a bag of cheetos. I got home and started snacking while watching a little YouTube. Turns out I was way more tired than I thought, since I fell asleep on the couch, only to wake up around 3am just to crawl in bed.

The next day I had forgotten all about my Cheetos, and for about a week after that. One day I'm picking up my room a tad, and what do I find under my couch but those damn Cheetos, bag left wide open and kicked under the couch to be forgotten.

Now I'm not a brave woman, but that day some unholy spirit possessed me to actually taste one of these Cheetos. But these were no Cheetos, no. These were fossils, an ancient whisper of what once might have been a delicious, cheesy snack. I've bitten rocks with more crunch and flavor than these sad little corn sticks.

And those were still less stale than your memes. 

You know, I haven't felt real emotion in years. Maybe now and then I'll get some kind of warm feeling inside, but for the most part my life is just a cold plastic facade. I think it's because of an experience I had when I was a little girl.
All I knew about our situation was that we weren't allowed to leave of our own volition. Occasionally, a stranger would come in and pick one of us out, and that one would be taken away, usually never to be seen again. The ones that did come back were... broken. Usually, it was like they had something missing, a crucial piece of themselves. We were always in fear of who would get taken next. We did know, though, that they preferred to take the smaller ones first.
I was just sitting with a few other like-minded fellows, minding my own business, when some guy comes into the room. He looks all of us over, he's thinking about something. Eventually, his eyes settle on me. "Yeah, that one," he says. He walks over and just picks me up like it was no effort at all. I find myself unable to resist. He takes me over to another strange man, and they start discussing price. He pays, and leaves with me in his arms. The man roughly tosses me in the back of his car, and starts driving. I have no idea where we're going. I am terrified.
We stop, and he picks me up and carries me indoors. As soon as we get inside, he starts undressing me. Taking out a pair of scissors, snipping away at my feeble covering, leaving nothing to the imagination about my physique. He uncoils a line and hooks me up to a slot in the wall. This guy was prepared. He props me up on a table, and leaves. I couldn't go anywhere, being latched to the wall, but I heard him rummaging around in the next room.
At this point he comes back into the room. He has a hungry look on his face. My mind races as he grabs me. He starts manipulating parts of my body, twisting and pressing, "getting me ready," he says. I try to squirm away but I can't move. I feel completely immobile. Suddenly, he turns me around, exposing my most private place. There's a brief moment of respite, and then I feel myself getting stuffed. It goes on for minutes, both of my holes filled to the brim. I hate it. No matter how much I hate it though, I can't suppress the warm feeling inside. The warm sensation grows and grows, becoming hot. Too hot. My mind goes blank and I cry out:

"DING!!"

And that's when I remembered I was a toaster, and toasters don't have emotions anyway.